my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
