sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
