We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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