The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
