You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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