So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
