thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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