alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
