Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
