its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
