remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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