I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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