Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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