college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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