and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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