my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
