it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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