I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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