I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
