That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
