I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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