Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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