just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
