my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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