It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
