i love accidental penises.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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