A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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