I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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