proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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