I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
