HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
