hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
