I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
