Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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