I accidentally burped into my bong.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
