Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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