Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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