I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
