My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
What a dumb baby whore.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
