o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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