i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
