I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
