pop tarts are not kleenex
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
