Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
