My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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