TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
