Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
