Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
