I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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