I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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