i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
And then my night got REAL pukey
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
